I feel like I really am losing grip of who I am, what I want and who I should be. I've been feeling so sad lately and I can't do anything about it... no I can, I just choose not to. I have too much pride to do so.

I tried to open up about it, but I just couldn't... its so much easier to confess online than it is in person. I guess cus not very many ppl read this, and I'm fine with that. But I tried to tell Jon, but I stopped, knowing that it would hurt him as well.

I cry alot now. I'm always angry. I'm quieter now. I can't write anymore. I've lost interest in many things that I loved to do. I don't want to be alone, and when I am, I feel so much sorrow.

... and all just because of that green eyed guy that I can never seem to get out of my fuckin head. Dodo. Because I miss him, because I hear so many bad things about him. I have a love/hate thing for him. I love him because hes a good guy inside... but I hate him because he is a dick most of the times.

I think thats why I'm upset, because he hasn't changed or bettered himself after all the shit we've been through. I would've thought that he would see things better, but he's acting like a whore and I don't want him to be that way, I want to save him... thats the compassionate side of me talking. I care too fuckin much for ppl who don't really deserve it.

When I see him, he looks away. Like he's trying to avoid me... but I heard from a source that he still has my pix up on his wall... that he still keeps the letters I wrote to him... thats one reason why I still love him, because I know that he still loves me... but I hate him for being a man whore.

... I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone about this... just Jon... but I didn't tell him the whole thing... I know that after this... I'll go into the room and feel miserable. Its always like that.